Aish’s great inventions

July 29, 2008 at 9:29 am | Posted in People, Thoughts | Leave a comment

Or rather, ideas for inventions.

1. The Sound Sucker

When applied on any one person, gives him/her severe laryngitis, but only when talking to you or about you.

Best used When: when you are in the midst of a heated (when is it never heated?) argument with spouse. Point the sound sucker on him, and enjoy the sight of hero(ine) not being able to verbally vent frustrations. They best that they can do is a good imitation of an African Tribal dance. You can, ofcourse, capitalize on the situation by recording the same on your mobile camera, and sending copies to all his friends. Or better still, print a full sized pic and put it on your front door. “He is like that only. And I thought he was NORMAL”, you can respond to all expressions of sympathy

2. The Person Packer, aka, The Sound Sucker V2

A wave of a hand, and the irritating specimen pretending to be human is immediately packed off into an extremely ugly lamp along the lines of I Love Jeanie. The Person Packer (New & Improved) goes one step further – installs a television showing only programs that the said specimen would absolutely detest. the MIL, for instance, would get a continuous stream of Bharath Ek Khoj or NDTV Profit

Best Used When: Anytime actually. Better used as an argument deflector. Wait, did you just disagree with me there? Did you? Poof.

3. The Dumb Multiplicity

A must buy for folks obliged to attend incredibly tiresome and boring corporate parties. One press of the Dumb Multiplier Button, and you get your own brainless clone (“BRAINLESS CLONE?” did you ask? Where is that Person Packer). The brainless clone comes equipped with a toolbox – standard smile, I’m Impressed smile, wow-i-m-impressed smile. Not to mention, a stock set of phrases- “How interesting”, “My sentiments exactly”, “Why didnt I think of that?” and so on.

You can surf for porn or what Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi, while at the same time, earning brownie points from boss for “representing” team at said corporate events

NOTE:

I charge no royalty for use of these ideas – I only request that any manufacturer reserve atleast one product for me to buy.

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Overheard

July 22, 2008 at 6:01 am | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

On the way to lunch:

Very old (and obviously Tam) Uncle Ji on his mobile : “P… W… D… maro”

Aish (insatiably curious, thinking) : Public Works Department?

UncleJi: “P…….. W………. D………….. maro”

Aish (Essentially jobless): Must be one of the junior officers of one of the govt banks here…. some issue with PWD…

Uncleji: “Now change directory…”

Technology creeps upon you when you least expect it to.

Which language do you think in?

July 14, 2008 at 9:51 am | Posted in Language, Nostalgia | Leave a comment

Is it your mother tongue, or is it english?

Rather common sensical, but the true proficiency in a language is established when you actually THINK in that language. I used to be rather proud of myself becuase even if my French vocab wasnt amazing, I could THINK in that language. Tam was the reverse. I was probably the only idiot who thought in English, and translated everything to Tam. Which was pretty sad, becaues while my Vocab in English was pretty good (for my age, atleast), my Tam was terrible. Really, Really terrible. If I was Roger Federer, Nadal was my Tam exam. I used to be sh** scared of that. Yuck. So I used to have this brilliant english answer for a question in Tam, which would never get down to paper. My tam simply wastn upto it :(. Speaking of Federer and Nadal, the FedEx conducts post match interviews in multiple languages, while poor Nadal struggles with his rather weak english. Guess I can actually empathise with him, after all.

Funnily enough, within six months of studying French, I was already thinking in French. So much so, I was beginning to use french words in English essays – apPartEment instead of apartment, for instance. Those subtle difference used to bug me – I can still remember sitting in my Class Twelve english exams, wondering Appartement or apartment was the right word. Pretty darn annoying. And secretly, rather exhilarating. :). Well, we are all entitled to our egos, I guess.

Even Hindi. I can think in hindi, fairly well. Makes me wonder WHY my tam was as bad as it was. If I had to pick my worst paper ACROSS my school years, I wouldnt even need a second to say: Tamil. Not Physics, Not Biology. Definitely not maths. Why Tam? Can’t quite figure out. I hated Tam with a vengeance. And I was ALWAYS lousy at it. Even before I started hating it.

Incidentally, Sanj’s language skills are getting to be very interesting now. I keep trying to make her speak complete sentences in English – and the results are hilarious. She mixes English and Tam amazingly well. And teaches me a lesson or two about not pushing her too hard

Srivats

July 8, 2008 at 11:27 am | Posted in growing up, Nostalgia | 2 Comments

Got engaged a couple of weeks back. Can you believe that? Theres actually a girl willing to take him on! Amazing. I couldnt meet Neeraja though (very badly wanted to say “Sucker! Ha Ha!”, but forgot the date of the engagement).

Srivats is a remarkably funny and nice guy – my oldest friend. We are practicaly the same age (He is older by a month) and our places were practically facing each other on the road. We were the best of pals – until he became a BOY and girls suddenly became pariahs. He used to make great fun of Bill Gates, I remember. When Windows ’95 crashed during Bil Gates’ launch demo on live TV, I hoped against hope that Srivats wouldn’t have caught the news. Talk about wishful thinking- I was ribbed for months.

But that was nothing compared to the pie on Bill Gates’ face. Oh my god. I did not go to their house for a MONTH. Or atleast, I told myself I wouldnt. Considering Srila and Lali and I were the official trio, avoiding Srivats was rather tough. He had a fairly unique take on the pie throwing incident- Bill’s very fond of pies, actually, he told me. But Melinda doesnt make him any. So he PAID money to the guy to throw a pie on him. And after the successfull throw, he has now negotiated for a chocolate and strawberry pies to follow in quick succession.

When you are about seventeen years old, there is nothing more mortifying than watching your absolute idol be humiliated. And I was remarkably (stupidly, idiotically) intense (Still am?). Am pretty sure even Bill wasnt as pained as i was when the pie hit him.

Sigh. Life was fun. Or so I think now.

FedEx

July 8, 2008 at 4:55 am | Posted in Federer | Leave a comment

Sunday’s Wimbledon Final is probably the only match which would give me a two-day hang-over. Am still so upset by it, I cant bear to read any of the post match reviews. I can just see them spelling the demise of the FedExpress, and thats so bl*** improbable. This guy is  such an amazing player all round – his service is beautiful, Shots exequisite, footwork simply brilliant.

And my God, how that guy moves! Awesome. Nadal plays the ball amazingly well. But Federer flows with the ball. It sheer poetry. You look at a shot and wonder, how did it actually get there? One would think Federer told the ball, hey, you know, that seems like a nice place- how about going there?

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